Learning to Love
A couple years ago I went to our church because they were doing a 24/7 prayer and worship week. I sat on the floor between the rows of chairs and half-listened to the IHOP-KC webstream that was playing. I started praying and asking God to speak to me, and I don't remember details but I do remember feeling that I needed to repent for self-hate. I think that's the first time I became aware of the fact that I tend to not be a huge fan of myself. I'm pretty sure it's heavily rooted in the fact that I hate making mistakes; I hate failing. And since I'm human that is bound to happen repeatedly.
Please hear me if you're reading this: I am not writing this post to get people worried about me or thinking there is something extreme going on with me, and I'm not writing it to get a bunch of people commenting about how great they think I am. I want to write this so that if you're reading and you've struggled with loving yourself too you will know that you're not alone in it.
In college, Journalism was my major, and the last two years I started focusing heavily on Broadcast. I did really well in my classes. I usually got A's on my videos. I excelled at story creation and video editing and I really enjoyed all of it. I did an internship once where the supervisor told me he wasn't concerned at all about my future in Broadcast. But the next summer I did an internship at a larger TV station..and I found my weakness in Broadcast -- my on-camera presence needed a lot of work. I remember my sweet friend and anchor at the station, Dave Barras, letting me go out on countless stories with him. He always let me do a practice stand-up blurb, and they were never very good. I remember one time we were outside next to a ditch with water in it; we were doing a story about mosquitoes and West Nile I think. And he let me do take after take after take. And toward the end he got so frustrated and he said to me "Abby, I don't get it because the Abby I see and talk with in person is not who is translated on camera."
Until this point in life I had done well with most activities or hobbies I'd tried. I was co-president of my high school show choir my senior year and danced in the front row most of the show; I was co-captain of my school's dance team junior year and captain senior year. I led worship at my church's college ministry for five years. I mostly taught myself piano. And all of the sudden I wasn't good at something I wanted to do.
Following that internship, I finished my last semester of college and then entered probably the hardest year and a half of my life to date. I waited tables for one and a half years after graduating until I got a 'real' job, which wasn't even in my field. I felt like I had failed. I remember journaling a few months into my 'real' job search and writing that I felt like a total failure.
I mentioned the story about my bad on-camera presence at my internship because I think that is the first time in my life I had really felt a level of failure. The problem is that if you hold onto that feeling, you never move on from it.
And here I am, over four years after that internship and I have never been more insecure in my adult life then I am right now. I worry about what people are thinking about me. I worry about getting fired for not doing a good enough job. I worry that I ask too many questions. I worry when I don't catch onto things as fast as other people, and I often feel like I have failed. If I can't troubleshoot a problem, I feel completely inadequate.
To be honest, I think this boils down to feeling like I don't like myself very much. I have little to no grace for myself when I make mistakes, especially if I make the same mistake more than once. I see all my flaws and all the ways that I fail and where I don't do enough, and it's hard to like myself when I know all of that. So basically I think the chain is going: I make mistakes > I feel like a failure/I feel stupid > which makes me feel insecure > and all of that makes me not like myself.
If you've never had a problem with self-love then this might seem silly to you, but to me it's unfortunately real.
These verses have always pulled on my heart so much:
"For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him" Romans 5: 7 - 9
I was listening to Misty Edwards leading worship one time and she was saying something along the lines of "Did you learn to love? It's not about my ministry. It's not about how much money I have. It's not about the clothes I wear. He will ask me: did you learn to love?"
The first and greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. I've always focused on what that means in an outward sense: I should love God with all that I am and love my neighbors. But that passage says to love my neighbor as myself. If I don't truly love myself, that's giving me no standard of love for people around me. The Bible says that all of the law and the prophets can be summed up in those two commandments. I'm pretty sure, then, that those two things are extremely important messages God is giving us.
My prayer is that God will help me see myself the way He sees me, and that He will give me grace for myself, and others, when mistakes are made. I hope that if you're struggling with self love too that you will ask God to show you how He sees you, and you will meditate on that truth about yourself.
Please hear me if you're reading this: I am not writing this post to get people worried about me or thinking there is something extreme going on with me, and I'm not writing it to get a bunch of people commenting about how great they think I am. I want to write this so that if you're reading and you've struggled with loving yourself too you will know that you're not alone in it.
In college, Journalism was my major, and the last two years I started focusing heavily on Broadcast. I did really well in my classes. I usually got A's on my videos. I excelled at story creation and video editing and I really enjoyed all of it. I did an internship once where the supervisor told me he wasn't concerned at all about my future in Broadcast. But the next summer I did an internship at a larger TV station..and I found my weakness in Broadcast -- my on-camera presence needed a lot of work. I remember my sweet friend and anchor at the station, Dave Barras, letting me go out on countless stories with him. He always let me do a practice stand-up blurb, and they were never very good. I remember one time we were outside next to a ditch with water in it; we were doing a story about mosquitoes and West Nile I think. And he let me do take after take after take. And toward the end he got so frustrated and he said to me "Abby, I don't get it because the Abby I see and talk with in person is not who is translated on camera."
Until this point in life I had done well with most activities or hobbies I'd tried. I was co-president of my high school show choir my senior year and danced in the front row most of the show; I was co-captain of my school's dance team junior year and captain senior year. I led worship at my church's college ministry for five years. I mostly taught myself piano. And all of the sudden I wasn't good at something I wanted to do.
Following that internship, I finished my last semester of college and then entered probably the hardest year and a half of my life to date. I waited tables for one and a half years after graduating until I got a 'real' job, which wasn't even in my field. I felt like I had failed. I remember journaling a few months into my 'real' job search and writing that I felt like a total failure.
I mentioned the story about my bad on-camera presence at my internship because I think that is the first time in my life I had really felt a level of failure. The problem is that if you hold onto that feeling, you never move on from it.
And here I am, over four years after that internship and I have never been more insecure in my adult life then I am right now. I worry about what people are thinking about me. I worry about getting fired for not doing a good enough job. I worry that I ask too many questions. I worry when I don't catch onto things as fast as other people, and I often feel like I have failed. If I can't troubleshoot a problem, I feel completely inadequate.
To be honest, I think this boils down to feeling like I don't like myself very much. I have little to no grace for myself when I make mistakes, especially if I make the same mistake more than once. I see all my flaws and all the ways that I fail and where I don't do enough, and it's hard to like myself when I know all of that. So basically I think the chain is going: I make mistakes > I feel like a failure/I feel stupid > which makes me feel insecure > and all of that makes me not like myself.
If you've never had a problem with self-love then this might seem silly to you, but to me it's unfortunately real.
However, the thing that God is pressing on my heart is that He is perfect and He still loves me.
These verses have always pulled on my heart so much:
"For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him" Romans 5: 7 - 9
God loved us before we ever repented of sin. He loved us before we even knew Him. If He is perfect and blameless and He can show me grace over and over again, how can I not show grace to myself?
I was listening to Misty Edwards leading worship one time and she was saying something along the lines of "Did you learn to love? It's not about my ministry. It's not about how much money I have. It's not about the clothes I wear. He will ask me: did you learn to love?"
The first and greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. I've always focused on what that means in an outward sense: I should love God with all that I am and love my neighbors. But that passage says to love my neighbor as myself. If I don't truly love myself, that's giving me no standard of love for people around me. The Bible says that all of the law and the prophets can be summed up in those two commandments. I'm pretty sure, then, that those two things are extremely important messages God is giving us.
Not only that, but if I'm made in God's image and I have little love for myself then what does that say about my love for God?
My prayer is that God will help me see myself the way He sees me, and that He will give me grace for myself, and others, when mistakes are made. I hope that if you're struggling with self love too that you will ask God to show you how He sees you, and you will meditate on that truth about yourself.
Man, do i know how you feel, friend. I loved this post.
ReplyDeleteYou're such a beautiful person, Abby! I hope your prayer is answered so you can also know exactly how intelligent, inspiring, and a perfectly wonderful young woman and friend that you are :]
-Jessica
Thank you my friend! You are such a blessing to me!!
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